Front row at the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards. Katy Perry is seated next to Selena Gomez. Kristen Stewart limps past, pausing to remove her high heels.
Katy Perry: I got her! I got her! Quick, take the picture before she gets away! Selena, get your fat face in the frame, this shit is going viral.
Photographer: On the count of three, everyone say YOLO! One … two …
Selena Gomez: [exhales a puff of glitter] I am a child prisoner of the Disney-Nickelodeon Industrial Complex. I am here against my will. Please help.
Kristen Stewart: [sounds of exertion]
Selena Gomez: I thought Harmony Korine would be my savior, but he too enslaved me for his own merriment. I grow wearier by the hour. My desperation multiplies.
Kristen Stewart: [breaks free of Perry]
Selena Gomez: Kristen Stewart, I beg you. Take me away from here, please.
Katy Perry: Shut up Gomez, you’re mine. You think it’s easy, perpetually marketing myself to a corpus of brats less than half my age? Lean a little closer, I want to look at your —
Selena Gomez: [hand flies to her neck] Aaaugh! She bit me!
Kristen Stewart: Not this again. I’m out of here.