how-tos

The Ultimate Goop Guide to Lovemaking

Gwyneth Paltrow. Photo: Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for La Perla

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop — the lifestyle site that, if sentient, would constantly be complaining about how cold it is — recently released their second annual sex issue, which includes a guide for , a , and

But, much like last year, they neglected to publish the ultimate Goop guide to lovemaking, which looks something like this:

1. Drink a glass of lemon water.

2. Follow that with nothing but

3. Do

4. Give a call.

5. Do another Tracy Anderson workout.

6. Put in your vagina for 30 minutes. Pass the time by visualizing a world without gluten to get you in the mood.

7. (Important!!! Take the egg out first).

8. Make and eat all six servings at once

9. Rehearse your safe word: Pilates. Pilates. Pilates.

10. DO ANOTHER TRACY ANDERSON WORKOUT.

11. Exchange exactly one closed-mouth kiss with your partner

The Ultimate Goop Guide to Lovemaking