trading places

A List of Inanimate Objects That I Would Trade Places With in This Picture

Michael B. Jordan.
Michael B. Jordan. Photo: Paras Griffin/Getty Images for Essence

Some time ago, I decided that if I was going to be receiving push alerts about horrible news that sent me into a pearl-clutching tizzy at least twice a day, I was going to balance it out with something positive. So I turned on post notifications for Michael B. Jordan and his muscles on Instagram. This is the post I was alerted to this evening:

Everything about this image was created to appeal to me. Michael B. Jordan, Michael B. Jordan in the sun, Michael B. Jordan next to a pickup truck, Michael B. Jordan doing promotional work for Creed. Just perfect. But the more I stared at the photo, the more I began to wonder if looking at pictures of Michael B. Jordan was really enough to escape the news of a , Kanye West hugging Donald Trump, and accused sexual abuser Stephen Elliott suing Shitty Media Men list creator Moira Donegan.

What if I became a part of a Michael B. Jordan Instagram post? What if I could zap away my consciousness and live life as a dusty bumper created for Michael B. Jordan to rest on? Here’s a formal list of every inanimate object in this photo I would happily body swap with:

• The bandana wrapped around Michael’s face.
• The hat in Michael’s hands.
• The bumper Michael is sitting on.
• The gate of the pickup truck Michael is leaning against.
• The dusty sneakers Michael is wearing.
• The desert plant life Michael is within a hundred feet of.
• The California license plate that is one foot away from Michael.

Do you think the hat in Michael B. Jordan’s hands would be willing to switch places with me?

I Want to be the Hat in This Photo of Michael B. Jordan